I Won't Let Go

Over the weekend, friends of ours shared their first dance as husband and wife to a song that had me fighting back tears.  Music always has a way of pulling bottled emotion from my very stubborn psyche.  It's no surprise that my hormones are a little out of whack, so a weepy pregnant woman isn't much of a stretch.  I've had alot on my mind lately and these lyrics hit home for a different reason. 

First time pregnant women get lots of advice...most of it unsolicited and inappropriate.  While there is some truth buried in these statements, what overweight, tired, hormonal woman needs to hear:  "Get ready to never sleep again."  "Forget a social life."  "You think you're tired now?"  Honestly people, do the world a favor and steer clear of a future in motivational speaking.  My favorite was "Are you waking up hungry?  Then it's a girl."  Lady, I am p-r-e-g-n-a-n-t.  I'm always hungry.

Something no one can prepare you for is the lifelong emotional investment you're about to make in your children.  In Dylan's first 13 months, I've felt love like I never knew, pride watching him reach his milestones, peacefulness during the sweet mornings of just laying in bed together, frustration during a tantrum, relief when a grandparent offers to keep him overnight, guilt when I've woken up that same night missing him, joy watching his personality develop, defensiveness when people associate every winter cold or eating habit to his condition, fear when I face Dylan's reality, hope that he will never be made to feel different, blessed when I see him growing strong & overcoming the odds, sadness when I'm reminded the hospital stays & surgeries aren't over, gratefulness for all God has done and faith in knowing that this is only the beginning of His blessings for our family. 

My favorite of all is denial.  I prefer to live in my comfort zone where everything is fine and I'd rather not talk about Dylan's road.  I don't believe in crossing bridges until you come to them and, for now, our family has the right to relax and enjoy our healthy son.  A time for anxiousness isn't far away, but until then you can find me in my happy place.  But when that time comes, I'll be ready with my game face on & as strong as I was the first round. 

I have so much love for my son and can only imagine having the room to love Maci just as much.  My heart might just explode.  I thought this song was perfect to dedicate to my children.  As they grow up, the hardest part for me will be seeing them get hurt, experiencing heartbreak & getting knocked down in life.  I will do anything and everything for my kids and I can only hope to be a steadfast presence for them in this world gone crazy.  A mother's love is unexplainable, but this pretty much hits the nail on the head.

PAUSE THE ABOVE PLAYLIST


"I Won't Let Go" by Rascal Flatts
It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It breaks your will
It feels like that
You think you're lost
But you're not lost
On your own
You're not alone

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh, it finds us all
And we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh, but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let you fall

Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I won't let you down
It won't get you down
You're gonna make it
Yeah, I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go

Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I won't let go
Won't let you go
No, I won't

Perspective

I had an ambitious list of things that I wanted to accomplish tonight, since Steve has Dylan at Nana's & these moments alone are scarce.

The more I thought about, the less productive I cared to be.  So here I sit an hour later...balled up on the couch eating a bowl of leftover birthday ice cream with Hershey's syrup and drinking my non-alcoholic Coors (I choose denial over logic).

I've needed a night to clear my head, so this alone time is more than welcome.  Where to begin?
These last couple of weeks have been so overwhelming that I do not even care to get into it.  Well maybe just a little...

• Medical bills are piling up
• Slow business at work
• Car maintenance issues
• A jacuzzi tub that is leaking into our walls & causing the hardwood in a corner of our living room to warp which, in turn, brought about ants in the Master bath (after a healthy mix of Raid & cursing, I am pleased to announce that they have surrendered)
• A child made very irritable by six teeth coming in simultaneously & a right ear infection that returned for it's 3rd round of fun
• Dealing with the roller coaster of emotions following the loss of baby Ashley 
• Implementing a budget that allows for another mouth to feed
• General pregnancy discomfort and imbalanced hormones
• and so much more going on behind the scenes...

I swear, as soon as I'd say "If one more thing happens..." one more thing would happen.  Most nights recently have consisted of pity parties and the occasional opportunity to release my laundry list upon some well-meaning friend who made the mistake of asking how things were going.  Stressed + fat + hot + pregnant = not intended for young audiences. 

I've improved lately on giving it up to God, but at some point selfish human nature takes over.  I find myself tempted to question the lesson.  It's hard not to feel like "You've been spending enough time on me lately.  Could you kindly move onto the next person?"  I have always liked the verse: "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.  I know He's using these trials to prepare me for great things, however, relinquishing control...not one of my strong points.

This week, things are looking up.  A few of these bullet points have resolved themselves and many still linger, but I've changed my perspective.  I have a renewed sense of strength, plans for what I can control and prayers for what I can't.  And for now, that's doing the trick in keeping me optimistic.  I have so much to be grateful for & I've spent way too much of my energy already focusing on the negative.  I'm pretty ashamed about how easily I've allowed myself to get caught up in life's problems and not appreciate all of it's blessings.

God gives us challenges to test us, humble us, bring us to our knees and sometimes just to get our attention.  I am tired of the tests, but I'm also too stubborn not to accept a challenge, so I've changed my attitude to one of preparedness for whatever lies ahead.  Sometimes we do wait on God, but it is always worth the wait.

There were a few quotes that stuck with me from this Sunday's sermon series at Hope "Trusting God During Trouble".

• When waiting upon the Lord:  1) Know that it may get worse before it gets better.  2) Behave consistently.  3) You must belittle any contradiction.
• "You are acting as if God has never been on your side."
• I do not survive my trials because I am holding onto God, but because He is holding onto me.